TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically noted for historical society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely outside of put. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, positive, let's have another place wherever American Adult males can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: present everyone a collection about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he need to end working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the task, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from Place, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after finding the constructing's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not merely unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by company might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is now attracting notice from Worldwide investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In Trump Tower Damascus line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will likely include:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have turn-down services."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

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